You're Gonna Go Far, Kid
by CooperAnderStark
Summary: Blaine keeps a journal from his freshman year on. He writes about everything that makes him the man he ends up, and eventually the love of his life. Trigger Warning: self harm, child abuse, attempted suicide. Eventual Klaine.
1. High School Never Ends

Title: You're Gonna Go Far, Kid

Summary: Blaine keeps a journal from his freshman year on. He writes about everything that makes him the man he ends up, and eventually the love of his life.

Rating: T for language and themes.

Trigger Warning: self harm, child abuse, attempted suicide.

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I affiliated with Glee or Fox. If I did, this would totally be cannon.

AN: Okay, so I started this a while ago. It's written in the format that I keep my personal journal in. It's basically completely blangst, because i'm hooked. Some entries are longer than others, and some are extremely short, so sometimes I will post more chapters than one in a day. I currently have quite a few entries typed out, so I'm going to post two chapters tonight and see how this goes. It's sort of AU, being that Blaine has a sister and Cooper isn't like cannon Cooper. I don't want to spoil any more of the story, but here is my story and I hope you enjoy it! Also, it will eventually be Klaine, but not for a while (as you can see, it starts off in 2008 and we have until 2010 for them to meet)...I'll stop now and just let you read.

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Monday, September 8, 2008.

Today, I start my freshman year. I am not looking forward to this.

I mean, my whole life, I have been set up to go to Dalton. And I have been excited for that since Cooper started four years ago. This time last year, mom was starting to get me new ties and give me the stuff that didn't fit Coop anymore.

Then I came out.

I don't really get why I'm not allowed to go to Dalton anymore. I mean, I realize that it is an all boys boarding school, but Cooper says that they have a zero tolerance policy. It applies to all who go there, they can't be bullied or picked on or singled out for anything. I really liked that idea, and so did mom. Dad axed the idea though.

It sucks because for the past 14 years of my life, I've been expecting Dalton. I've practically ate, drank, and slept Dalton. My dad took me and Coop to the football, laccrose, and soccer games all the time. My room is red and blue, Dalton school colors. More than half of my wardrobe says 'Dalton' something or other on it. Basically, I am not ready for this 'Westerville High' shit.

Luckily, not going to Dalton means I get to go to school with Alex. He's my best friend, always has been, always will be. I can't seem to remember a time I wasn't best friends with him, and I don't want to imagine a time where I won't be. He is most of my support system. I am excited that I will at least have him around.

Okay, I really have to leave now, or else I will be late for my first day.


	2. The Three Best Friends

Title: You're Gonna Go Far, Kid

Summary: Blaine keeps a journal from his freshman year on. He writes about everything that makes him the man he ends up, and eventually the love of his life.

Rating: T for language and themes.

Trigger Warning: self harm, child abuse, attempted suicide.

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I affiliated with Glee or Fox. If I did, this would totally be cannon.

AN: This is the second entry, and it's really short (as you can see). However, this is the last part I'm going to post today. Reviews and constructive criticism are welcome!

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Friday, September 12, 2008.

Alex and I pretty much have the same roster! And we have both struck up a friendship with this girl in our music class. Her name is Marisa and she is really cool and nice. She listens to weird music, but plays the standing bass and is really good at it. We are going to her house on Sunday to hang out and play with the different instruments she has (she says she has bass and electric guitars, and a piano!) I am personally pretty excited about it!

Cooper is coming home for dinner tonight because he left stuff here when he went back to Dalton, so I can't really write anymore. I don't know why I felt compelled to explain something I already know. I guess right now, I'm just keeping this journal for future reference; so I can look back and see how much things have changed (or how much things have stayed the same, whatever applies). Okay, I really have to go, I can hear Coop downstairs.


	3. Don't Let Me Get Me

Title: You're Gonna Go Far, Kid

Summary: Blaine keeps a journal from his freshman year on. He writes about everything that makes him the man he ends up, and eventually the love of his life.

Rating: T for language and themes.

Trigger Warning: self harm, child abuse, attempted suicide.

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I affiliated with Glee or Fox. If I did, this would totally be cannon.

AN: Third entry is a little longer, so it's the only one I'm gonna post today. The writing style changes here a little, Blaine starts to talk about things that happened throughout the day, and he writes in the dialogue. I set it up this way because I personally like to remember conversations, so I have a similar method when I keep journals. Also, things start to take a noticeable downfall beginning in this entry.

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Wednesday, October 15, 2008.

I haven't written lately but it doesn't matter. I've been miserable. I am miserable.

I hate my life. I hate everything around me. It's all fake and pretend and I_ hate_ it. I'm not allowed to be myself because it offends someone else. Why does what I do offend you? How does it affect your life in any way, shape, or form?

Whatever. It doesn't matter anyway. I be myself, I get the crap kicked out of me. I lie and put on a mask and I still get the crap kicked out of me. I go to school and get the crap kicked out of me by strangers. I go home and get the crap kicked out of me by my father. Nothing matters. Everyone is always against me, no matter how I act. Strong, weak; brave, meek; quiet, loud. Nothing works, doesn't change anything.

Like yesterday, in school. I wasn't even doing anything. I was talking to Alex and Marisa, at my locker. We were all laughing at something Marisa had said, and then my face was against my locker. Not only did my head feel like it was going to explode on impact, but I bit through my lower lip. Do not know who did it, but it hurt like fuck. Nobody cared, though, as usual. Marisa and Alex both told a teacher, but he did nothing. Would not even write me a note to go to the nurse.

I went anyway, and the nurse eventually called my dad since my mom didvnot answer her phone. I begged her not to, to just let it go, but she said someone had to take me to the hospital. So he came and picked me up, played the role of the loving and supporting father, then litterally drug me out of school by my collar. When we got into the parking lot he grabbed my hair and pulled my head back, forcing me to look up at him.

"What did you do?" He hissed.

"Nothing." I struggled to get out, because the gaping hole in my lip made it a little difficult to talk, my head was pounding, and and him pulling my hair did not help anything.

"Bullshit, tell me what you did." He growled. A car pulled around the corner and he pushed my head away, slamming the back of it into the roof of the car above the door, making my head pound even more.

"Get in." He ordered, not even looking at me as he got into the car.

I've been in the hospital so many times the past year that the people who work there know me by name at this point. I am not even kidding or anything anymore. Joanne, the head nurse, sighed when she saw me and filled out my paperwork for me. She called me back and told my dad to wait, which he didn't, as usual.

"What happened this time?" Joanne asked as she wiped my lip off gently. I rolled my eyes.

"Someone pushed me into my locker. I didn't even do anything this time." I explained. She sighed and then numbed my lip so she could put the stitches in.

While she did, she went on a rant about how someone should do something about how often I get beat up and how someone should defend me and how I should learn how to defend myself. Then she let me leave when she was done, because I knew how to take care of the stitches. When I walked back into the waiting room, Cooper was waiting there. He was in his school uniform, doing homework. When he saw me he sighed and walked over, pulling me into a hug.  
He drove me home, and neither of us talked about what happened. Mom and Mandee didn't ask, dad didn't yell, nobody even talked. I went upstairs and tried to do my Algebra homework, but Coop came into my room.

"I think it's time you and I had a bro weekend." He said, collapsing onto my bed. I turned around and raised an eyebrow.

"What exactly would that entail because if my life is in danger- as it usually is when you have ideas- I don't think I want to agree."

"You sound funny." He said, smiling. I rolled my eyes, still confused as to how he was in the National Honor Society and had an academic scholarship to Dalton for all four years. "I just want to show you something."

Earlier today, he took me into the backyard and swung at me. I almost let him hit me, which threw him off.

"Why would you let me hit you?" He asked, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me lightly. "This is why you get beat up at school!"

I almost told him. About dad, I mean. But I couldn't shatter his image of our perfect father, so I just shrugged. He showed me the 'correct' way to throw a punch. Then he had to go back to school because his Chem partner blew up their experiment and their results were due tomorrow.

Not even ten minutes after he drove away, dad was in my room, holding me up by the collar, demanding I tell him if I told Cooper or not. When I told him I hadn't, he threw me against the wall, slammed the door behind him, and stormed downstairs. Mom came in about a half hour later to make sure I was okay, kiss my head, and leave.

I am at my breaking point. That's why I'm writing all this down now, I've realized. I don't know how much longer I'll be around for, and I want someone to eventually know my story. I want them to know what happened to me; that I wasn't just some fag that was bullied in school and committed suicide. There are some people who deserve to know the whole story. I wonder if my mom is the one to find this, if she'll give it to Coop and Mandee so they know. I wonder if dad will admit what he's done to me since I came out if he's the one who finds it...

Again, whatever. I just got a shower. Locked myself in there for an hour and a half. Held my Eagle Scout knife in my hand for 45 minutes, crying. I eventually cut myself, light and tiny cuts. Barely breaking through the skin, those kind. But it felt... better. Better than everything else did. I liked it. Another reason to hate myself.

Everyone else does. I might as well join the club.


	4. Dance With Somebody

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I affiliated with Glee or Fox. If I did, this would totally be cannon.

AN: This is sort of just a short filler, I'll post more tomorrow. I have a tumblr, as well, shelldanceintherain. The link is in my profile, so if you would like to go check out go right ahead. I've started to post things about this on there, there's a page dedicated to it. But yeah, one chapter today because I am an emotional wreck thanks to Starkid. Enjoy!

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**Friday, November 14, 2008.**

There's a dance tonight. Alex asked me to go with him.

Not in _that_ way. Just... he's the only other 'out' gay kid. We're best friends. It's mandatory to have a date to get in. So we're going together. Might actually have fun for once.

I haven't told dad yet. Well, I told him I'm going to the dance. Not that I'm going with Alex. I could never admit that. Dads hated Alex ever since he found out he's gay. He told mom that he doesn't want me around Alex, that Alex is 'the reason he's going through this phase'.

But that's not true. I didn't even know Alex was gay when it set in that I am. I had not told anybody except Cooper and Mandee and then a few weeks later in school, he leaned in close to me and whispered that it was okay because he was too. I didn't catch on until later that day, in the bus on the way home, that he meant he was gay too.

"Do I make it that blatantly obvious?" I asked as soon as I realized that was what he'd meant. He shook his head.

"I just have a bitching gaydar. How long have you known?" he asked, flipping through his science text book. I shrugged because it wasn't like I had a huge revelation about it. I had just never been attracted to girls and when puberty kicked in and everyone was obsessed with boobs, I wasn't as enthusiastic as everyone else in our class. He told me he'd known for almost a year.

And that was that. Neither of us liked each other _that_ way. We just happened to both be gay. And that was all.

I don't know why I felt the need to write that down. I guess just in case dad reads this, then he'll know it's not Alex's fault I'm gay.

It's not anybody's fault.

Marisa's here, so I'm leaving now because her mom is giving the three of us a ride to the dance. I shall write about it when I get home, because I'm sure I'll have some crazy story about my first high school dance to share!


	5. Damn Rough Night

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I affiliated with Glee or Fox. If I did, this would totally be cannon.

AN: This is my headcannon about the Sadie Hawkins dance.

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**Sunday, January 4, 2009.**

I have to go back tomorrow. I haven't been to school since before... Well, if you're reading this, you already know. What you may not know is the specifics, so here's what happened:

The dance went rather nicely. They played a lot of pop songs and only one slow song; When You Look Me In The Eyes by the Jonas Brothers. Alex bowed and held his hand out and I laughed before letting him pull me out onto the dance floor. We spun around and swayed playfully the whole time while Marisa danced closely with the boy she came with, Eric. It was really nice and fun and I don't think I've laughed as hard as I did then in a really long time.

Afterwards though, everything felt weird. The mood of the room shifted and it felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. Marisa had gone to call her mom where she could hear over the music. Alex and I sat out on the stairs in front of the gym, waiting for her to come back when the football team walked out. Everything happened really fast after that. I was face down in the gravel before I could process what they were saying as they called us every insulting name in the book. I tried to fight back how Coop taught me, but there are at least six guys. Maybe even more, I can't really remember.

I woke up in the hospital a week or two later, I don't really know. Cooper was by my side, holding my hand, fast asleep. The list of injuries was scary, long and gross. Tons of fractured and bruised bones, as well as sprains and regular bruises all over the place. Physical therapy was a bitch, but it has progressively gotten easier. It still hurts to breath sometimes, but it's nothing I can't handle. Dad told me I was being weak and to suck it up.

Cooper leaves to go back to school tonight, which sucks because it's been rather nice not having the shit beat out of me every night. I guess that could only last for so long.

I really don't want to go to school tomorrow. Everybody knows what happened. They're all gonna stare at me. Alex won't be there to protect me either, because he's still in the hospital. Marisa said her mom will pick me up tomorrow morning and give me a ride. I'm still not looking forward to it, though.


	6. Goodnight and Goodbye

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I affiliated with Glee or Fox.

AN: So, don't hate me for this. I'll update tomorrow.

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**Monday, January 13, 2009.**

I would write a note, or some kind of apology, but I can't.

Except to Mandee. and Cooper. I'm sorry guys. It was never your fault.


	7. Fix Me

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I affiliated with Glee or Fox.

AN: CRAP! Sorry! I honestly didn't mean to take this long before I updated. I've genuinely been consumed by the outside world (booo) and didn't have time to edit this until now! Again, really sorry!

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**Saturday, Janurary 17, 2009.**

I'm writing this on looseleaf I found in my bedroom because I don't have my journal with me. I'll just stuff this into the book when I get home.

I woke up in the hospital again on Thursday. My arms were wrapped in gauze pads and tape, and handcuffed to the bed this time, which was new. I got really scared at first, because I couldn't remember a single thing. Nothing was making sense and the doctors wouldn't answer me. I started breathing too quick and that made my chest hurt, because my ribs still hurt from Sadie Hawkins. A nurse came in and talked to me to calm me down. I didn't recognize her, which was weird given how much time I'd spent in the hospital the past year. I had been pretty confidant I knew everyone.

The doctor came in and told me where I was. I hadn't recognized the nurse because I wasn't in the real hospital. I was in a clinic. More specifically, I was in a psych ward's ER. I asked the doctor what happened to me again, and she didn't answer which wasn't a surprise. Instead, she told me that she was going to tell my parents I was awake. She came back later that night to undo the handcuffs and told me that I'd have to sleep there for the night. And again, she still didn't tell me why, but I was getting used to being ignored.

Yesterday, I got assigned a bedroom. My roommate is a 16 year old girl, who's bipolar, named Steph. She was really nice and smart too. She told me she thinks I'm cute, and said she didn't mind when I told her I'm gay. We get along rather well. Shortly after we met, I was called down to the head counselors office to have my first meeting with Dr. Levin.

She was cool. I mean, as cool as a doctor whose pretending the person across from her isn't crazy can be. But she was nice, and at least she finally answered my questions. Like, what I did to end up here, and as she explained, I remembered everything.

Marisa had tried to stop kids from making fun of me, but it didn't work. There were a few kids who just talked shit, but most pushed me into lockers or tripped me and stuff. Then this kid Vince hit me. When I fought back, his friends jumped in and I ended up in the principals office. Not Vince or his friends, just me.

The principal called my dad to come pick me up and told him I was expelled for fighting. Then he proceeded to apologize for everything that happened to me this year, but still told my dad I was not welcome back. Dad didn't say a word, so I did. For the first time in my life, I stood up for myself.

"I get the living shit beat out of me, to where I'm in a coma, then when I finally come back, I'm practically jumped and you're sorry?! What do you mean I can't come back?! I didn't do anything wrong, I was fucking defending myself!"

"Mr. Anderson, I'd appreciate it if you calmed down!" He yelled, but I shook my head and stood up.

"NO! I'm not going to calm down! Look at what I do to myself because of this place!" I yelled, pulling my long sleeves up to reveal the cuts scattered across my arm. Dad grabbed my sleeves and pulled them down, then pulled me out of the office without another word. The ride home was a blur, then I was in my living room curled up in a ball on the sofa. Mandee and Cooper were sitting on each side of me, mom was sitting across from me, and my dad was yelling. I wasn't listening to him though, I hadn't been for a while. Mandee was running her hand through my hair in a soft, soothing way. I was leaning my head on her shoulder because she had been crying earlier and I was too scared to say anything or move to hug her, so I just put my head on her shoulder.

Cooper was biting his nails, and I'm pretty sure he wasn't absorbing anything dad said either. He kept looking at me out of the corner of his eye, then look away just as quickly. I hated that he felt nervous around me. Then his voice broke me out of my thoughts.

"Why won't you just send him to Dalton?" He said, just barely above a whisper.

"What?" Dad snapped, turning his head towards Coop. I glanced up at him too, and I could feel myself draining of color. Dad got closer to him and I tried to get in front of him, but Mandee wrapped her arms around me and kept me put. "What did you say?" Dad asked, grabbing Cooper's collar.

"I said.." Coop's voice cracked, so he cleared his throat and tried again. "I said, why don't you just send him to Dalton? He'd be safe there."

"I don't give a damn about his safety, I give a damn about him getting an education! If he would just be fucking normal, he wouldn't need any fucking protection!" Dad yelled.

"He is normal! And I agree, he shouldn't need protection! But he clearly does!" Cooper yelled back, getting more confidant as he stood his ground.

"Cooper, don't raise your voice at your father." Mom said quietly, not looking up at us. Dad and Coop both ignored her though.

"LIKE FUCK HES NORMAL, LOOK AT HIM! HE LIKES OTHER GUYS AND HE FUCKING CUTS HIMSELF! WHAT PART OF THAT IS NORMAL?!" He asked, then everything froze. Neither of us had mentioned that I showed the principal my scars. Mandee's hand in my hair tightened for a second, out of reflex.

"You... what?" She asked, quietly. Everyone was looking at me and I could physically feel their eyes burning into me. I jumped up while I had the chance and ran to my room. I heard footsteps follow behind me quickly.

"If you take one more step, you're grounded!" Dad yelled, but the steps didn't stop.

"Mandee!" Cooper yelled, but Dad yelled at him to sit back down. I tried to shut my door behind me, but Mandee jammed herself into my room before I had the chance. She wrapped her arms around me and held me tightly.

"Go away!" I yelled, pushing at her. She held me tighter, then I felt her shoulders start to shake and I stopped fighting back. I wrapped my arms back around her and we both stood there, crying for a few minutes. She kissed the top of my head and then pulled away a little bit, holding onto my arms.

"Can I see?" She whispered, making me bite my lip before nodding. No sense in hiding something she already knows about. I pulled away from her farther and pulled my shirt over my head, so she could see the cuts that ranged from right below my shoulder all the way down to my wrist. She bit her lip and reached out, running her thumb over one of the more recent scars before looking up to meet my eyes. "How long?" She asked in a broken whisper.

"October." I answered quietly, watching as her breathing hitched and she clasped a hand over her mouth. I closed my eyes and she took a deep breath, pulling me into another hug. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I whispered, hugging her tightly.

"Shh, it's okay." She replied into my shoulder. "Just promise you won't do it again." I nodded rapidly.

"I promise." I said, meaning it as honestly as I could.

The next thing I remember, dad was kicking the door open and practically pulling Mandee away from me.

"Go to your room, I'll deal with you later!" He yelled, pushing her out of the room before slamming the door in her face and turning to me. "You, you little worthless piece of shit, I wasn't done talking to you." He said.

I was feeling a bit sarcastic and slightly suicidal after all the crying, so I grinned a little bit. "Talking? Since when have you ever talked to me?"

I took a few blows to the stomach after that. More than a few, actually. When he finally left, I was huddled in the corner of my room with my arms covering my head. When I could finally manage to move myself again, I crawled to the bathroom and got in the shower with the water on to as hot as it could get. I sat in the water for a while, crying and hating myself for doing so. I found the pocket knife again and dug it into my wrist as far as I could get it, unable to think about anything before dad came into my room.

Once I explained that to Dr. Levin, and she said she would call someone immediately to check on Mandee and Cooper for me, because I got really freaked out that they might have hurt them. She told me that Cooper was the one who found me when mom sent him in to check on me.

She said me she'd call me back into her office later, and that for now I should just go eat with my group because I'd have to go to group sessions later and she figured it would be nice if I got to know people other than Steph. I asked her how many more of us there were, and she said that in my group there were five, which meant I still had to meet three. She told me to come back down to my room, that Steph would take me to lunch which started in a few minutes, so I could meet the others.

Shit, I'm actually late for today's group session. Steph's whining so I have to go now.


	8. Home

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I affiliated with Glee or Fox.

AN: I don't really have anything to say right now... I look like a mentally unstable cat because I went to the eye doctor today and got my pupils dilated, but only one of them is still huge. So I have one eye that's almost completely all black and one eye that's normal... Yeah. I'm just going to post this now. WAIT! *Squishes reviewers* Love you guys, really!

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**Saturday, February 28, 2009**

I'm home now. And better. Supposedly, a lot better, but it couldn't fooled me. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't want to kill myself anymore. But I still feel the need to cut sometimes. I guess I'm better though, because I know how to distract myself when I wanna cut now.

I found out that playing guitar helps. Same with piano and singing. Turns out, I'm not half bad at all three.

Yesterday, on the ride home, Mandee caught me up on everything I missed. After they took me back into the ER, mom called dad and told him to get out by tomorrow night. The three of them spent the night at the hospital and mom called Coop and Mandee out of school on Tuesday. The doctors had to give me a blood transfusion, then put me under heavy sedation and sent the three of them home. Wednesday morning, the doctor called and told her they moved me to a psychiatric ward and that a doctor would be in contact soon. Dad was gone, but when the doctor called, she made sure everyone was okay and then called the police. Of course, he'd come up with some fake alibi and had people from work vouch for him, so they couldn't arrest him, but mom filed for a restraining order and the hearing was next week.

"You're not going, so don't worry. If I have anything to say about it, you'll never have to see him again." Mom assured me from the front seat.  
Mandee went on to tell me about how she changed her registration for next year from Westerville High to McKinley in Lima.

"Isn't that far?" I asked. She nodded, then turned to Cooper.

"Yeah, but Coopers worked that out." she grinned."Tell him about-."

"Not yet." Coop laughed, which worried me.

"Tell me what?" I asked, cautiously.

"Now you made him nervous, Mandee!" Mom scolded, then smacked Cooper's arm. "Just tell him about-"

"Fine." Cooper sighed and turned around to face me, grinning. "You owe me big time, squirt." he said.

"Don't call me that!" I snapped on instinct, shaking my head at him. "Why this time?"

"I may have gotten you a bitchin' scholarship to Dalton." he said, then turned around, like that was the end of the discussion.

"You... Got... What?!" I asked, wrapping my arms around his neck tightly.

"Can't... Breathe... For a squirt, you're strong as shit!" Cooper laughed, and we all ignored moms complaints about language.

Cooper went to the dean and explained everything that's happened to me in the past year and asked if there was anything he could do. The dean said since I was expelled from Westerville, he couldn't do anything until the fall. But once fall came around, Coop would technically be an alumni and I could qualify for scholarships, mainly the alumni scholarship. A week later, a letter came in the mail saying that I'd gotten it and that I was going to Dalton for practically nothing, which was freaking awesome.

I was pretty tired after that, and when we got home I was only half surprised to find Cooper's shit moved back into my room with two twin beds instead of my queen.

"Just in case." Mom said, "We put your bed in the guest room. And it's only until August when Coop's off to college."

So, I've spent the last 24 hours driving Coop up the wall, singing every song I know. I've got nothing else to do. My summer started 4 months early, and I know I have to study and shit because I have to keep my GPA up to keep the scholarship (not that we don't have the money, but Coop put a lot of effort into it), so I can't afford to slack off and do nothing until September.

-Mandee walked in a little while ago and asked me what I was doing, so I let her read this. That was the point anyway, wasn't it? She cried, then said she wouldn't tell anyone about it, as long as I stayed better. For now, I can honestly say that I'm working on it.

I'm getting tired again, and Cooper's complaining about AP Bio. Maybe if I fall asleep on him, he'll stop talking. I doubt it, though.


	9. Tell Me I'm A Wreck

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I affiliated with Glee or Fox.

AN: In Vegas, baby! I was in LA for three days and then we drove out here, and I dont get home until Thursday, so I probably wont update until late Friday night. (:

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**Tuesday, March 10, 2009**

Holy crap. Okay, before anyone reading this freaks out that I didn't write for so long, nothing happened. Well, nothing bad anyway. I just haven't had the time.

Honestly, I thought not going to school would mean I had all this extra time to write, but I don't. Mom makes me get up when Cooper and Mandee leave for school, then we run around doing random errands all day. Whenever we get done early, we go do something 'special'. Like the first time, we went to a music store. Mom bought me an acoustic guitar. It sounds pretty awesome.

When we get home from doing that stuff, Mandee and Cooper are usually home, doing homework. Mandee gives me a run-through of her lessons because she's in advanced placement in her grade school so she's basically taking remedial high school courses. Then Cooper and I box outback for a little while, then we eat dinner. After that, if neither of them have plans, we go into me and Cooper's room and watch a movie before bed.

It's nice. It makes me feel like we're really a family. I wish I could've had this before. Maybe I wouldn't be so messed up. But I can't change anything, and I kind of don't want to. I mean, sure, I hate that I went crazy for a while. I hate that I lost my best friend. I hate that Marisa hasn't spoken to me since I got expelled. I hate that I got the crap beat out of me, by both strangers and my dad. But it all happened and I can do absolutely nothing to change that fact. I have a pretty good life going now, so I can't complain.

I just realized how bad that sounded, the way I wrote about Alex. He didn't die or anything. Sure, he was in the hospital a month longer than me, but he came out a lot better than I did. His family moved. To Nevada. He's called a few times, but I've only been here to talk to him twice. He seems to be doing well, but he's going to therapy out there. When I told him what happened, he didn't believe that I tried to kill myself.

"No way, B. You're the happiest fucking kid I know." He argued. I laughed a little bitterly.

"Then you must know some pretty damn miserable kids, Lex. I'm not kidding. I used to cut myself all the time, and then I tried to kill myself in the very begining of the year." I replied, looking down at my arms. The scars were puffy and gross looking still, but the doctor said that should go away after a while.

"But... you're okay now, right B? I mean, you're happy?" He asked, with the same voice everyone always asks. I laughed.

"I'm a lot better now. I basically went to a rehab place for a while, and they helped me a lot there. I've worked a lot of my shit out, and I know how to distract myself when I feel like shit." I explained. He sighed heavily.

"Damn, B. Why didn't you ever tell me?" He asked.

Our conversation was basically just both of us explaining what's been up with each of us since the dance. Which was fine, because I had been wondering what Alex has been up to, but it was kind of depressing. The larger majority of our conversation was about hospitals or therapy. After we talked, I went up to me and Coop's room and played guitar for a while. Mandee came in and laid on my bed, listening to me play for a while.

"You're really good." She said when I finally stopped playing. I smiled and moved the guitar off my lap, then pulled my legs up to my chest. "Maybe you shouldn't talk to Alex anymore, Blaine."

"Why?" I asked, confused. She sighed and sat up, reaching out for my hands. She pulled them out and touched the tips lightly. They were rough and hard and bright red. Two of them were bleeding. I looked at them, surprised. "I didn't even realize..."

"I know you didn't, but I don't want you to use something that's supposed to help to hurt yourself more." She said, softly.

Leave it to me to find a way to hurt myself with my guitar, right? But honestly, it wasn't intentional. I didn't even realize I was holding the strings that tight. Okay, it's boxing time. I think we might watch Lion King later.


	10. The Beach

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I affiliated with Glee or Fox.

AN: Home! Enjoy, loves :)

* * *

**Sunday, April 19, 2009**

Spring break! Woo! Not that it really counts for me but, you know. And it's over now, but that's irrelevent.

We went on vacation as a 'family'. Me, mom, Coop, and Mandee. It was actually nice. I had fun. We were on a private beach house on some island in the middle of the Carribean. Dad bought it back when him and mom first got married, but it hasn't been used since before Cooper was born. Mom decided we all needed time out of Ohio, and that we needed to have family time, so we all headed out to the beach house for the week.

Basically, it was a week of being pampered and surfing and tanning. It was awesome. Although, at first, I was kind of nervous. I didn't want to take my shirt off on the beach because I didn't want anyone to judge me for my scars.

"You dork, we're the only ones here." Cooper said, tickling my side. I rolled my eyes at him, pushing him away, then watched a maid walk through the house across the beach.

"B, she's not even looking at us. She's doing her own thing. We're the only ones who are gonna be looking at you, and we know about everything." Mandee said, a lot more polite than Coop had. I sighed and rubbed the back of my neck before pulling my shirt off.

"'atta boy!" Cooper yelled, then picked me up and ran me towards the water despite my protests.

I ended up really enjoying myself. I honestly can't remember being this happy in a really long time. Or the last time I laughed so hard and so much. Mom seemed really happy to see us all laughing and goofing off as much as we were. It was really nice to be able to mess around with eachother and not have my dad breathing down my neck and yelling at me for stupid things. It felt like I'm allowed to be a kid again.

I have to stop writing because Cooper's driving me insane. He forgot about some project and term resumes tomorrow so he's running around like a crazy person doing the project and he's generally being a douchebag, so I'm going to teach Mandee how to play guitar in her room.


	11. Graduation Song

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I affiliated with Glee or Fox in any way shape or form blah blah blah

AN: I don't really have anything to say, other than at the moment, I only have four more entries written at the moment, so updates might slow down soon. (ha, like I have a good pace at the moment... ignore me) I'm going to try to add more ASAP, but I don't know when I'll get the chance because senior year starts in 4 days...

* * *

**Thursday, May 28, 2009**

It has been over 5 months since I've been inside a school (other than graduation at Dalton yesterday). Speaking of which, I'm petrified about going back to school. Up until now, I've known someone going into the same grade as me at whatever school I was going to. Even if we didn't talk or whatever, I still knew someone. I seriously know absolutely no one going into freshman year at Dalton. I only know two guys, one will be a sophomore and one will be a junior, via Coop. Their names are Wes and David. They were both in The Warblers with him and they both got on council in their first year, which was pretty significant apparently. Even knowing them, I'm really not looking forward to September. To the point where I'm starting to have anxiety attacks over it, and mom says that she's taking me to the doctor, but she hasn't yet. I guess she's just happy I'm not cutting again. I honestly haven't thought about doing that in a while, either.

Anyway, Cooper graduated yesterday and Mandee graduates on Tuesday, so their combining their party. In other words, a shit ton of people will take over our backyard next week. There's gonna be a lot of drunk guys and a lot of stupid kids Mandee's friends with, and I'll end up stuck sitting with some weird old relatives and getting my cheeks pinched while they tell me how bad they feel about everything that's happened to me. Who wouldn't want to be me, right? Ugh.

I might not write for a while. I've come to find that music helps me a lot more than writing does. It soothes me, like a weird type of therapy. And my fingers are stronger now, so when I play guitar really hard, I don't make them bleed anymore, so I can play longer and harder now without upsetting Mandee.

Mom's going to start working at her office again after the graduation parties, and she can't take off when she's just going back to working in-office, so Cooper's taking me and Mandee away for vacation. It'll be weird though, because ever since Cooper started going to Dalton, mom's worked from home. Around the house will be different, because Mandee will be doing coursework for the classes she's taking next year and her summer reading and Coop will be packing and filling my room with useless shit because he's going to need to take them to college with him. I'm going to be doing a lot of work with Mandee, because I forget what it's like to be in school.

It's weird, after 8 and a half years of the same routine, you think you'd be able to take half a year off and then get right back into the swing of things, but I can't remember what it takes to make myself capable to spend that much time with the same people and tolerate teachers for so many hours of a day. Plus, at Dalton, I'm going to be boarding, so I'm going to have to spend even more time with people I could potentially hate. Whatever, I'm freaking myself out again. I'm bored so I'm going to go watch tv with Mandee. I think NCIS is on.


	12. It's Time

Disclaimer: what would happen if i started saying that i owned glee? that i'm ryan murphy and this is my idea for Blaine that fox wont let me write?

AN: It's Time is on repeat. Senior year starts tomorrow. One week until Glee. 8 days until Perks. I'm rather excited, so have a chapter.

* * *

Monday, August 24, 2009

I don't think I can do this. No, I know I can't do this. Nobody mentally prepared me for this shit. I thought I was ready for Dalton last year... I was wrong. You'd think maybe my brother would have told me that everyone in this damn place was crazy. There are boys everywhere, always throwing things at each other, it smells like sweat and gross already and school hasn't even started yet, everyone is obnoxiously loud, and I woke up last night to someone being tossed into the creek outside my room. As to voice my displeasure, I called my brother to yell at him for not warning me about this.

"What hall are you in?" Cooper asked, like I was in fucking Hogwarts or something.

"My dorms on the West side of the building." I answered, because I didn't know what he meant.

"No, what hall?" He repeated. "On your roster, where it says your dorm room, it should say what hall. There are four."

"Dalton isnt fucking Hogwarts, Cooper!" I yelled, pulling my roster out of my back pocket to see what he was on about while he just laughed at me.

Name:Blaine E. Anderson 20135427  
Winchester Hall Room 32  
Period 1: AP Algebra I Room 210  
Period 2: Study Auditorium  
Period 3: Physics Room 365  
Period 4: Italian I Room 117  
Period 5: Vocal I Room 200  
Period 6: Lunch Cafeteria  
Period 7: AP English I Room 110  
Period 8: World History I Room 203

"It says Winchester Hall." I replied, more than pissed off with him now. "What does that mean?!"

"Oh God. I was afraid they'd put you in there..." He trailed off, as though that would reassure me. "Winchester is where they put most freshman. You're on the first floor, aren't you?" He asked. I grunted in response and he sighed. "That's where they house most of the incoming music geeks. Their basically the craziest in the beginning of the year, but they calm down once school actually starts and they get into the swing of things. Their mostly there on music scholarships or academic scholarships with a highlight in music."

"Cooper, what did you do?"

"I may or may not have pulled a few strings before I left. They said they were going to put you into a music class. Did they?"

"Yeah, Vocal at 5th." I replied. He laughed, then grunted.

"Look bro, I gotta go. Sorry you're probably rooming with a crazy. Unless you got a single... did you get a single?" He asked.

"No. My roommates another freshman named Trent."

"Good luck with that. AND GO TO THE WARBLERS MEETING TOMORROW, YOU WON'T REGRET IT! Bye squirt, I love you, have a good time and study your ass off." He said, then hung up before I could say anything. I groaned and tucked my phone into my pocket, then wandered around outside for a while.

After a while of walking, I ended up by the little creek that poor kid was in last night. I sat down on the edge and just looked down into it for a while, listening to the quiet rush of the water and looking up at the sun. It was relaxing, and it calmed me down from the chaos Dalton was already throwing at me. I eventually headed back to my dorm to find that Trent was here now. He grinned and pulled me into a hug after I stumbled over my name.

"I'm Trent and I hope you don't mind hugs. My sister tells me that I'm like a giant teddy bear, because I really like hugs. Do you have any siblings? My sister is three years younger than me, and I have a brother whose in the second grade. Their names are Parker and Ryan. Parker's my sister, I just thought I should explain because a lot of people think that's a weird name for a girl." He finally stopped talking and looked at me expectantly, so I forced my brain to try to recall what his question had been.

"I've got a sister, Mandee and a brother, Cooper. Coop's a freshman at UCLA and Mandee's going to start her freshman year of highschool at McKinley in Lima in a few weeks." I answered, and before I could say anymore, Trent was talking again.

"That's cool! Is she like your twin? I'd hate to have a twin. Does she look just like you or are you not that kind of twins?" He asked. I shook my head.

"We're not twins. Something happened and I missed a while in school. Dalton couldn't take me last year, so they just enrolled me for this year. So technically, I'm a year behind, but not because I got held back." I rambled, then wondered if this kid was already wearing off on me already.

He didn't ask what happened, just went on talking about his life and how excited he was for this year. Then he told me he was gay and asked me how I felt about that. So I told him I was gay too and he laughed and we talked about the irony of the two of us being roommates. He's asleep now. Tomorrow, I think I'll talk him into coming to the Warbler meeting with me. Dunno if he can sing or not, but it'll be nice having a friend with me. It's been a while since I've had someone who wasn't related to me around. It's kinda nice, so far at least.

Now if I could just get everyone else to calm the fuck down... that'd be great.


	13. What I Go To School For

Disclaimer: blah blah blah

AN: This is going to sound weird, but I really like it when I like Glee. Last season left a sour taste in my mouth after almost every episode, but the other night's episode made me happy. Let's home it's the start to an amazing season! Here's a really short filler-ish chapter. Sorry! School's a little insane.

* * *

**Monday, September 7, 2009**

First Monday of the school year. I know it's too early for me to say this, and I'm going to bite my words as soon as I write this down, but I really like this place. Everyone's really cool here. They don't pry to much about what happened last year, they just accept that something happened to me last year so I'm a year older than them. It's like that doesn't change anything here, it just means that I'm older than them. Doesn't mean I'm not one of them.

Also, I took Cooper's advice and went to the Warblers meeting. I even managed to talk Trent into going with me. We both got in! Unfortunately, that means we have to take care of this fucking canary. It's name is Pavarotti and it drives me up a fucking wall. Luckily, Trent has more patience with it then I do. However, he thinks it's funny to take it's cover off in the morning and let the bird sing while I'm trying to sleep.

We get along rather well, Trent and I. He keeps yelling at me for wearing a long sleeve shirt under my school shirt and blazer, says I'm going to die of a heat stroke or something. But I don't care. I don't want him to see my scars. Not yet. I don't want anyone here to know that about me just yet. Sure, Wes, David, and the administration know, but they also know how to keep secrets. I don't want any crazy freshman finding out and telling everyone and then having them all look at me like they feel sorry for me. I hate that. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, I want them to be proud of me that I survived and that I'm in a better place now.

Anyway, Mandee's starting to freak out about school, but Cooper set her up with some kind of ride. I was too afraid to ask for her to elaborate on that one, so I'll just find out when I go home for Thanksgiving. She's under the impression that I'm lying when I tell her I love this place, and she thinks she's going to hate school. And she misses me and Cooper. She says Mom's going crazy and treating her like a baby since she's the only one left in the house.

The fucking bird is whistling again. Would I get kicked out of the Warblers for poisoning the god damned bird? Maybe I'll just go put it's cover over it. Whatever, I have Italian homework that has to be done.


	14. Solo

Disclaimer: 4x04 is proof that i dont own glee woop.

AN: Today was instalation at my school (the senior class president, ect. were given their sashes and gave the first real speaches of the year) and I cried like a baby because how the fuck did this happen? Since when am I a senior? Ugh! Anyway, here, have a chapter.

* * *

**Thursday, October 22, 2009**

I GOT A SOLO! I GOT A MOTHER FUCKING SOLO FOR SECTIONAL! DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW FUCKING AMAZING THAT IS?! Of course not, you're a book, but I GOT A FUCKING SOLO! IN MY FIRST YEAR! AHHHHH!

Okay, really wish this wasn't in pen so I could erase that. Ignore my spazzing and language. I know I've cursed in here before but you'd think going to a private school and all I'd learn manners and why using foul language is bad, but nope. It's actually pretty humorous. I've never heard anyone curse as much as the freshman class at Dalton. Especially the freshman who are in the Warblers. Sometimes we do it just to piss the council off. Like when they make us 'showcase our best talent' every now and again. We only get, like, two days notice, and then we have to preform in front of all of the Warblers, class by class. So far, our class has done five performances and I've had a solo in each of them.

Our first act was This Love by Maroon 5. I got to sing the third verse and it was really cool. I'd never really preformed for anyone like that, so it was a lot of fun. Next we did Control by Metro Station, and I sang all of Mason's parts, while Jeff sang all of Trace's parts. It worked out oddly well. Then we did Pop Princess by The Click Five and I sang the bridge each time. The council assigned us our fourth showcase, 7 Things by Miley Cyrus. I sang the final chorus, where she says everything she likes about the poor dude. Our fifth was assigned too, and it was Dancing Through Life from Wicked. I sang the first verse, and it was probably my favorite to do because it was the first time I'd sang a Broadway song in front of people and not into a hairbrush in my bedroom.

Anyway, for Sectionals, we're singing two songs and I GOT A SOLO! I know I've said that like a million times but I can't get over it. They think I'm good enough to give me a solo! It took Cooper all four years to finally get a solo when the Warblers went to Nationals last year (and placed second because of stupid Vocal Adrenaline). But he went down in Dalton Academy History for his performance of Viva La Vida by Coldplay because that was only the sixth time the Warblers made it to Nationals and it was the first time they placed in the top 10 ever.

Our songs are For Your Entertainment by Adam Lambert and Breakeven by The Script. I'm singing all of Breakeven and small parts of the other song. I wasn't nervous until Trent reminded me that half of the student body goes to see Sectionals, as well as their parents and administration and this fanclub they've apparently acquired over the years of doing show choir competitions as an a Capella group. So now I'm freaking out a teensy little bit because THAT'S A LOT OF PEOPLE AND WHAT IF I FORGET THE WORDS AND- nope. I promised Cooper I wouldn't freak out about this anymore. Deep breaths. I need a piano to calm me down.

But I GOT A FUCKING SOLO! I have to go call Mandee and Mom and my great aunt Reggie who I haven't seen in five years and every other person in between because I GOT A FUCKING SOLO FOR SECTIONALS IN MY FRESHMAN YEAR!


	15. This is Halloween

Disclaimer: There wouldn't have been a hiatus after TBU if I owned Glee.

A/N: Hi! I'm alive! And really really sorry! School attacked! Boo being a senior and BOOOO Hurricane Sandy! I hope everyone out there is all good, and I'm relly sorry this toook so long. I'll try not to take that long ever again! Have some Blangst as a peace offering.

* * *

******Sunday, November 1, 2009**

Yesterday was Halloween. All of the Warblers dressed up and we had a party in the senior commons. I was Harry Potter. Trent was a dalmatian There as a lot of variety among our costumes. Basically, we looked like a group of assholes singing and dancing in the commons to Halloween music.

Besides that, things have been... rough. I don't know how else to word it. I have to keep a 90 average in all of my classes to keep my scholarship, and that's not as easy as they make it sound. Given, I could easily pay for Dalton without my scholarship, but loosing it won't look good on my college transcripts. I've already been held back a year for going insane, let's not make myself look any worse.

Trent and I finally got rid of Pavarotti. That's about the only upside to the year so far. It's strange though. I miss it. As much as I hated it- and by god, I hated that thing, it's too quiet now. Granted, Trent still talks non-stop, I just... I miss the whistling. But I'll never admit that to anyone out loud.

Oh, I guess I should admit that I'm starting to scare myself. Better out than in, right? Well, last night when I took a shower, I sort of lost it. I ended up sitting in the back corner, out of the water, holding the straight edge that I broke out of my razor. I didn't want to do it. I don't really even remember how I broke it, or how I got there. I just... did it. I didn't cut myself, or hurt myself in anyway. But... I'm afraid I might end up doing something I'll regret. The last thing I want to do is end up back where I was. That wasn't a fun time to be in my head. I don't want to do it again. If I almost killed myself last time, imagine what I could do a second time...

No, okay, done talking about that. Sectionals is later this month. I'm still looking forward to that. Okay, my Italian project is calling so dovrei fare che. Più tardi!


	16. Who Says You Can't Go Home

Disclaimer: If I owned Glee, Kurt would have sang Hopelessly Devoted To You, not Blaine. Because no. Just no.

A/N: New chapter. Blaine being sad makes me write faster, apparently.

* * *

******Thursday, November 27th, 2009**

I'm home for Thanksgiving. It's weird, being here now. Cooper didn't come home. The only people at the house were me, Mandee, and mom. It was weird and quiet but I liked having my room to myself. It's been so long since I had a room by myself.

The Warblers won sectionals last month. That was really cool. The hangover from the party the next day wasn't, but winning was pretty freaking awesome. I didn't fuck up or anything either. I remembered all my words and all the dance moves and cues, which I thought was pretty impressive. And the crowd wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Sure, there were a lot of people, but it wasn't that bad. Apparently, I do well in front of large groups of people. Nick and Jeff were freaking out, but Trent and I were bouncing around, ready to go.

Oh, that stuff I write about last time; I feel better now. Like it's safe for me to be alone again. The quarter ended so I don't have as much work or as much pressure on me for grades or sectionals... it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. So there's nothing to worry about, I suppose. It was just a lapse in judgement and my brain couldn't handle the pressure so it went back to how I used to deal with everything.

Alright, time for dinner then watching a movie with Mandee!


	17. Relax and Relapse Again

Writing spree lately. Not sure why. Have a journal entry.

* * *

_**Monday, December 21st, 2009**_

It's been a while. I figure writing might help since music and singing didn't last time. And yeah, by that, I mean I've done something stupid since Thanksgiving.

You have to understand how much pressure I'm under, and you cannot judge me. I've been going crazy. The quarter ended so teachers were cramming for grades and naturally that means 5 page assignments in every single fucking class that exists and a powerpoint and two presentations and three song assignments (two for Vocal and one for Warblers)... It got out of hand and I snapped.

Having so much work to do and no time to do it had me wide awake, writing at 5 am and then going to class at 6 and passing out. I landed myself in detention three times and they told me if I fell asleep one more time, I was going to be suspended. So I tried coffee and energy drinks but I crashed before I could finish my History paper that was due the next day. When I woke up and explained everything to the teacher, she said no exceptions. That was when it all sort of exploded. I walked back to my room, like I normally did, and took a shower instead of going to Warbler practice. Trent didn't ask.

I knew I had a good hour and a half to myself, so I took my time. I thought things out, tried to calm myself down, but it didn't work. I found the razor I'd broken and hidden in the bathroom cabinet and dug it into my wrist, wincing and arching my back at the pain. The water ran into the cut and made it sting more, but it felt good. Familiar. Grounding.

And that fucking petrifies me.

After I realized what I did, how carelessly I cut into my wrist, I moved up my arm and sliced into the inside of my left upper arm, letting the pain bring me back to sanity and calm me down. Then I got out, bandaged everything, got dressed, and started my next project with a much calmer demeanor. Trent came back and filled me in on everything I'd missed with pretty good detail as to not make me fall behind. And then everything fell back into place.

But I hate myself for it. I hate myself for letting everything go back the way he had been and letting it take me over again. I thought I was over it. I really thought I could be better. Like, I knew relapses would happen, but I thought they'd just me my wanting to cut. Not me actually doing it.

Anyway, today I got the 0 for the History paper and its driving me insane because it pulls my grade down so much. Still have honors grades, but over something so stupid it just...

Nevermind. Happy thoughts.

Christmas. I'm going home to see Mom and Cooper and Mandee. It's out first Christmas without Dad.

Mandee's going to know. Cooper's going to see. I'm just afraid they'll tell mom.

I didn't think this through very well.


	18. Live Like We're Dying

Shit, sorry! I'm trying, I promise. School play made scheduled crazy, and I have to stay for TV often so yeah sorry :(

* * *

**Monday, April 5th, 2010**

Wow. Okay. A lot happened so I didn't have time to write, but nothing happened that was bad. The last time anything bad happened was the last time I cut, which I wrote about. When I went home for Christmas break it took Mandee literally 5 minutes to find the cuts, and she told mom right away. Neither of them told Cooper when he finally arrived, but he saw them since we were sharing a room again. Mom set up therapy sessions that worked around school and work times, so that neither of us would have to leave school or work early, and that I could have time to get back to Dalton for homework and sleep. It ended up being not that bad. It helped a lot. And I played more guitar.

Alright, let me start over. For Christmas, everything worked out rather well. It was the first year that there weren't any fights or arguments. Everything worked out rather nicely. We all listened to Christmas music and sang along to Christmas carols. It was nice. Cooper flew home a day after me, so it was nice to have everyone back together. I got a lot of nice new clothes, but they're basically going to waste what with my uniforms. I also got a new, electric guitar, that I'm taking to Dalton. Cooper got a lot of clothes and gift cards. Mandee got clothes and an acoustic guitar. We got a lot of movies and stuff too, but they stay at the house for the most part.

New Years was pretty interesting. Mom had a little party with random family members, which meant the pitying looks from people whose names I can't remember. Mom let us each have a drink, so naturally Cooper went for the hardest liquor he could find and ended up throwing up half an hour later. Mandee had a Strawberry Daiquiri, and I had a beer. At midnight, my phone blew up with texts from the Warblers and other guys from school, all with different variations of 'happy new years'. I turned my phone off in favor of replying to them all.

In February we had a party for my birthday the next day, strictly because it was a Saturday and we could get away with more. So Wes and David got alcohol and basically let us all loose. It was a great night, or at least what I can remember of it was. The next weekend, mom had a birthday party for Mandee. I couldn't go to the party with her friends because I had a Warblers performance, but I made it home for her actual birthday so we could have dinner and cake together. I got her an empty book for lyrics, and song sheets so she could write music (because she's learning how to read music in her glee club, which isn't fair!).

March we went to Regionals. We sang two songs and I got to sing in both of them. I sang Heartbreak Warfare by John Mayer by myself. We sang Live Like We're Dying by Kris Allen as a group, and I got to sing the bridge at the end of the song. We didn't win, but we came in second which was pretty awesome.

That's really all that's happened lately. Well, it's not, there's been a lot of homework and SO many nights where I literally come in from class and pass out. That's why I haven't really written. Between rehearsal and trips home and Regionals and homework and projects and sleeping, I haven't had time. I don't really have the time to be writing right now. I should be asleep. I'm going to go to sleep.


	19. School's Out

Christmas break! Wooooooooo! Let's go this

* * *

******Saturday, June 6, 2010**

SUMMER! THANK FUCKING GOD FOR SUMMER! Exams are over, no more papers, rehersals, studying, learning, early mornings, NOTHING! FOR THREE MONTHS! I'm far too excited about this, but I'm so thrilled that I don't have to go anymore. I love Dalton, don't get me wrong. It's literally my second home, in more ways than one. But you know, the end of the year gets crazy and I'm just so happy it's over.

Moved everything back into the house yesterday afternoon because yesterday was the last day of term. I was the first person out of the building. Seemed appropriate, seeing as I was practically the first freshman in and the first one out. Damn straight. Trent cried.

Cooper's been back at the house for a week. He left most of his stuff in California though, his roommate lives out there and offered to keep his stuff so that he didn't have to pay to ship it back to Ohio. He's really tan, even though summer just started. And he's taking Mandee and I to New Jersey for a few weeks. Apparently, LA has given him some strange conviction that everyone needs to be outside on the beach for grossly long periods of time to enjoy life. Other than that, he's still the same idiot he was when he left.

Mandee made a lot of friends towards the end of the year at her school, because she joined their glee club. But for some reason, that meant that the kids she hung out with in the beginning of the year started to bully her. Mom's paranoid about it and keeps threatening to pull her out to put her in Crawford Country Day, which is Dalton's sister school. Mandee freaked out that there was no way in hell she was wearing their uniform, and that she only had a few days left of school anyway so it doesn't matter that much. I'm a little worried about her. I mean, she was pretty popular until she joined this class and now all these kids don't like her anymore, just because of some group of 12 kids. But she says the glee kids are a lot cooler than the rest of them were, and that she's happy she doesn't hang out with the assholes anymore. I don't know. She gets out on Tuesday so everything should be good.

Gotta admit, I'm gonna miss the Warblers. I mean, we have little get togethers planned (one for each month, cause we're dorks and can't survive too long without eachother) so it won't be that bad. Meh. I'm looking forward to no work though. And sleeping in. Sleeping in sounds good.

Coop, Wes, David, and I are going to the movies. Shit's getting real, because they're seniors next year. So we're hanging out so Coop can talk to them about college and so we can have a good time before they leave. It'll be strange without them. I don't know. I'm not going to think about that right now. We're running late, so I have to go.


	20. Sophomore Slump or Comeback Of The Year

Midterms attacked. I have returned triumphantly. Hopefully. Sorry this took so long!

* * *

**Monday, September 13, 2011**

Back at Dalton. Always a fun fiasco. Also, apparently, being the lead vocalist of the Warblers gets you a single bedroom.

Like how I slipped that in there subtly?

We had auditions the last week of summer and David and Wes told me I'm lead vocalist. Which is exciting. And terrifying. But mostly exciting.

It's weird though, not having Trent in here. I miss his constant talking.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Jeff, Nick, and Trent attacked right after I wrote that^ so I stopped for a while. But now I am back. And I must admit distance makes the heart grow finder because I don't miss these idiots as much as I thought I did. All they want to talk about is what songs I'm going to sing this year. Maybe they'll be back to normal when the shock of a sophomore lead vocalist wears off.

I don't know. I'm just looking forward to this year though. Lots to do, little time. And that's not really factoring in school work. But I think I'm okay. This year should be a lot better than the last two.

Wes, David, and I are working out the dates for Warblers performances on campus in 20, so I have to cut this short. Summary; fun summer with Coop and Mandee, getting back into school mode sucks, I'm lead warbler and I'm only a sophomore. Go me. Okay, really have to run, I'll try to write again ASAP!


	21. Save You

Ahhh! Sorry, I fell behind on updating this again, I know, and I know this is a repost! I'm not sure how to edit posts anymore and I only _just _realized that this had the wrong year, so I fixed it and I'll try my best to get more posted on here later today!

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**Tuesday, November 09th, 2010**

Something weird happened today.

We called an impromptu Warbler's performance in the senior commons, which is normal for us. The whole school shut down and I was running late because I was talking to my teacher, so I was running down the main staircase when this kid stopped me. Now, again, that wouldn't have been weird either. If the kid hadn't been wearing blue and green shorts, black knee high boots, and a blue blazer. He asked me what was going on, which was also weird because we'd made an announcement that there would be a Warbler's performance. Anyway, he was cute and I was running late so I had an excuse to hold his hand and pull him along with me. He watched us sing Teenage Dream and seemed pretty impressed, before I called him out.

Wes, David and I sat him down and had coffee with him after everyone cleared out, and I asked him what he was really doing here. He said he was supposed to be spying on us, but he looked too upset for that. I talked to him alone and found out he's going through a tough time at his school because he's the only out gay kid there. I gave him my number and told him to text or call me whenever he needed someone. He reminds me, well, of me. Before I lost it. I don't want him to go though that.

His name's Kurt. We're going out for coffee tomorrow morning again. I'm gonna try to talk him into transferring here if things get any worse at his school.


	22. Blame It On The Alcohol

Okay. Here we go again. New update. As I said in the last repost, I'm going to try to be on top of this now that things are getting going!

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**Thursday, February 24, 2011**

I lost track of writing again, sorry. Don't worry, everything's okay. Everything's actually going really amazingly well. It's kind of hard to believe, really.

Kurt ended up transferring to Dalton. We've gotten really close in the past few months. I think I can honestly say he's my best friend. He's the best friend I've had since Alex. I am worried though, he knows some of what happened, but he doesn't know everything. Maybe I'll give him this book someday, so he can know my mindset through everything. Maybe not, he might think I'm pathetic since Mandee's been my best friend since everything happened. Then again, it's Kurt. He's not that mean. I don't know. We'll see what happens.

Anyway, Valentine's day was a disaster and the Warblers and I have made a pact to never speak of it, so I'm not even going to bother writing it in here. Maybe then I can forget about the Gap Attack. That's all I'll say.

This past weekend, Kurt's friends from his old school had a party and he invited me along. Things got... weird. We all were drinking and played spin the bottle, and that ended in me half convincing myself that I might be bi because I made out with his friend, Rachel. We went on a date on Monday, which was nice and all, but weird. Then Wednesday, she kissed me again, and it didn't have the same effect. So yeah, not bi. Still gay. Good to know.

Kurt and I got into a little argument over the whole 'am-i-bi' thing, but we sorted it out and everything is back to normal again. Well, the current normal, I mean. Which is... I guess it's pretty awesome. Normal doesn't mean being alone or hurting myself anymore. Normal means having a best friend who actually cares and really understands. I don't know. It's just... yeah. Okay. Kurt's coming over soon and we're going to watch Disney movies. I'll try to remember to write soon.**  
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	23. On My Own

**Monday, March 14, 2011**

I am the stupidest person in the entire world. Seriously.

How has it taken me this long to realize how perfect he is?

I... god, I don't understand my own thought processes.

I'm kind of afraid though. I intend to tell him about everything, but I haven't yet. And I don't want to spring it on him before I tell him I love him. And I also don't want to wait until we're dating to tell him, because I don't want him to think I hid it from him...

It's complicated.

I love him, though.

And I think he likes me, too. At least that's what Trent says.

Just... crap. I sound like a 12 year old girl who has a crush on a guy but.. he's just so...

He's so Kurt. There's no other way to say it.


End file.
